Professional kid wrangler

Professional kid wrangler

Tuesday, 21 April 2015

10 things a parent has to do that are grosser than diapers

10 things a parent has to deal with that are grosser than diapers

Many falsely believe changing diapers are the biggest cross parents of young children are forced to bear. As a mother of three girls under five, I can tell you that on a daily basis, diapers are the least of my worries. Sure it's still gross. I mean, no parent upon seeing their toddler flee to that "special pooping corner" feels glee at the imminent stink and feeble attempts to change them before they sit. Yet it's still the least of my day to day disgusting tasks. Many would falsely assume three little girls wouldn't be that disgusting to deal with. Well, my friend, you are underestimating my brood.

10. The stinky milk bottle you find in the back of your van.

Ever smelled sour milk? Have you ever had to actually open it's container and attempt to pour its contents down a (hopefully) clean sink. Just thinking about it is enough to make me throw up in my mouth a little. I have thrown out many a good bottle because I just didn't have enough strength that day to try and force those disgusting chunks down the drain with a spoon.


9. puke (baby)

Yes, I have divided this category by age. I was lucky, I didn't give birth to a puker until my third (and coincidentally last) child. Before little E came into my life I didn't know the joys of spit up. But, she didn't spit up after meals like most babies. Instead she would wait a good 40 minutes and then puke about a cup of hot partially digested breast milk down my shirt in the middle of Walmart. How does one deal with this type of situation? In my case, I had no choice but to attempt to wipe it off and shop on.



Nothing makes you feel like more of a failure as a parent as a child who fails to wipe his or her own butt. Having to pick up and deal with a my little pony crap crusted panty is enough to make any parent shed a little tear of shame.


7.The potty

Just when you think you have freedom from diapers a new face of gross hits your home. A plastic chamber pot that you will have to simultaneously beg and bribe your child to use so you can then pour it's contents into the toilet (watch for splash back!) then clean it and fight the urge to burn this plastic torture device.

6. Wiping your kid's butt

From the moment your kid does their first "dookie" on the potty you feel this sense of freedom from diapers until you realise you are still doing the gross half of the diaper job with no real end in sight. You can try to end this dirty chore early but then you will be faced with every parent's Nemesis (see number 8.)


5. Boogers

From the moment they are born until they finalise get it together and learn how to blow their nose, your kid's boogers are your problem. Literally. By starting their life out with you picking out these offensive creatures, naturally they graduate to sneezing in your face and then wiping their noses on your shirt five minutes before you walk out the door.

4. puke (kid)

The only thing worse than having the stomach flu is when your kid has it. I can recall a lovely visit with my grandparents when my daughter suddenly began barfing partially digested raisins all over the house. My grandparents were up and out the door before you can say, 'grab a bucket.'

3. Poop-in the tub

My oldest daughter did this little ditty on the reg. From the time she was born we would know the bath was done when the water went brown. As she aged we would be alerted to the 'floaters' by the screams of her sisters. There is nothing as humbling as having to grab a floating log with your bare hand.

2. poop on your hand

Before you can even change a diaper a seasoned parent will check it. Often the method involves pulling the diaper to look down at the bum and often this involves getting a handful of poop. Often in public, always completely gross.


1. Poop on the walls

The grossest thing that ever happened to me as a parent was when my middle daughter had a short-lived (thank God) fascination with poop and I would find her smearing poop on the walls instead of taking her afternoon nap. There was one fateful day that still makes me shudder. She asked to sleep in her sister's bed and then proceeded to smear her pillow, blankets, toys and walls with her 'afternoon delight'. True story.

No comments:

Post a Comment